4 Things I Wish I’d Known Before Treatment

I sat in the waiting room bouncing my leg up and down and thought about how different it could have been if I had spoken up sooner. If only I had been less stubborn and stopped thinking that I had overcome other “ruts”, I can overcome this one too. Instead, less than 72 hours after returning home from my first semester away at school and a few hours removed from my first girlfriend breaking up with me because of my erratic behavior, I sat in a hospital room waiting to be evaluated by a mental health specialist. The process was smoother because I voluntarily decided to be admitted, but I cannot help to wonder how much smoother the process would have been if I had sought help months or years earlier when the signs of mental illness first appeared.

The rest of this post will detail four things I have come to learn as the years have gone by and wish I had known well before that night in late December.

It’s not my fault

Remembering that your mental illness is the result of an imbalance in brain chemistry rather than of your creation is key. For the longest time, I blamed myself. In turn, I thought I could fix it on my own. Sometimes though, help is needed, if not required. While not an excuse to be a jerk to others, understand that your actions when dealing with untreated or under-treated mental illness are not representative of yourself as a person. During my first relationship (when my mental health had reached its lowest point), I beat myself up over the fact that I was ruining everything. I reasoned that if I stopped obsessing over the mistakes I kept making with my girlfriend at the time, things would return to normal. What I did not know was that this line of thinking was a symptom of my undiagnosed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and my mood swings were a symptom of the Bipolar II. The most frustrating part was the fact that I could identify the issues, but lacked the ability to fix them. I spent so much energy on this that it became a vicious cycle of identifying the issue, working to fix the issue, making the exact same mistake a day or two later and then repeating the process all over again.

No treatment plan is the same

Much like other illnesses, not every treatment option works for everyone. In terms of medication, each body and mind reacts differently to antidepressants or other medications. For example, I have tried three different antidepressants, one for almost six months, and I had an adverse reaction to all of them. Following these failed attempts, my psychiatrist ended up prescribing multiple medications to treat the various issues I suffer from, rather than one medication to treat it all.

Other than medication, therapy is a common tool used when treating mental illness. It provides a safe outlet to express your thoughts and work through issues or traumas that weigh on you. Seems simple enough, right? Well, not so fast. Therapy is built upon the idea that you trust that person. That they are not judging you. That you can tell them anything. If the person you are seeing, like in the beginning of this process for me, is not someone you trust, therapy can provide very little benefit. Don’t be afraid to leave a therapist and seek out someone else. Remember, therapy is for you, not them. Same goes for psychiatrists. When the comfort level is not there, do not force it. Uncomfortable telling them that? Do what I did and line up a new therapist or psychiatrist and then move on. For the record, I am not advocating not to give them a chance. The bond, like with any bond, takes time to be formed. However, if after 2-4 sessions, the connection is not there, do not hesitate to consider a change. 

A support system is important--if you know how to utilize it

The concept of having a strong support system is mentioned over and over by mental health professionals. It generally consists of three or four people you are the closest to. They serve as a sounding board, cheerleader, and most importantly, can sense when something is wrong. However, it is important to realize that they are not a 24/7 therapist. From my experience, relying on them too much or too frequently can cause tension. Worn out, they may be less likely to continue supporting you. That is not because they do not care, it is because they are not trained professionals. Venting day after day is tiresome, no matter how caring they are. As mentioned earlier, having a therapist who is a trusted confidant is useful because the roughest moments can be shared with someone who is trained and educated to handle the situation.

To properly utilize your support system, one must consider the strengths and weaknesses of each person. One person can be your workout partner. One can serve as a friend who prevents isolation--hanging out constantly, taking you to new places, and potentially introducing you to new people. Finally, one can be the friend you do call once in a while during a rough period. The key is moderation. Not all emergencies or panic attacks happen during business hours. Remember though, they are not your therapist. Opening up feels good, but use it as a last resort and not as the first option.

Changes are futile until I accept them

Therapy, medication, or other remedies can only do so much. This is a lesson I learned about six years after receiving my initial diagnosis. I opened up in therapy, but I held back. I identified the things in life I needed to change. Like going to the gym and losing weight. Or, not putting all of my eggs in one basket. Yet, I never took action on those things. I let the abyss of numbness and depression consume me. I avoided any change. I refused to try things my therapist or my parents would suggest. I kept waiting for a magic pill or my therapist to fix me. What I did not realize until a few years ago was that I had to make those changes myself. The tools were provided to me, but until I used them, I would continue to feel awful and stuck.

Over time, I have realized I am the one who has to initiate the change. After taking control over my life and accepting that my previous actions were counterproductive to better health, I have made huge strides. Sometimes, there is a major life event that spurs this decision or it is as simple as waking up one morning and realizing that it is time to make improvements. Either way, it starts with the individual, not their support system.

In all, these four things might have made a world of difference. Or, it is entirely possible that the outcome would have stayed the same. Regardless, I am glad that I now have this knowledge to pass on to someone who can benefit from it. Best of luck on your journey. 

Please check in next Friday for the first podcast installment where I will discuss ways to avoid feeling stuck, whether it be a loss of creativity or on a day-to-day basis.

Follow on Twitter @TalksBlog